I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize