...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
