i think i have herpe
just one?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
