And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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