He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
