I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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