Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
