im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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