Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
