I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
