Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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