if only i could text you this smell
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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