I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
