Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize