I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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