Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
And then he peed in my hair
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
