that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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