I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
