I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
