My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
