He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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