my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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