Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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