My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
