i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
