Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
