I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
