the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
