Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
