I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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