"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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