she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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