in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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