Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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