You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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