my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize