Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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