I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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