Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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