Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
this beer tastes like vomit already
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
