Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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