just come out here and I will go home with you...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
