You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
