wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
