I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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