I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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