I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
