I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
