I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize