So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
