Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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