why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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