Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
