I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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