and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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