His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
