I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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