You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
